My Sweet Revenge

The best revenge is to move on and be happy but shortly after the discard, long before I found peace …

I waited until enough time had passed, and sent cordial messages occasionally until I got a short blunt response (I got the sign he still wanted supply).

I visited his female friend who he continuously triangulated me against, and told her I wanted to put it all behind me; and that Narc and I had decided never to see each other again.

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I knew he’d tell her I’d been harassing him and would be fuming hearing my decision from her. I also knew she would see the shocked look on his face (because at this point, he thought he was still in there!)

I also ‘let it slip’ that I’d moved on, knowing that information would be relayed.  I gave her one last blow to pass on: I told her I hoped their friendship would continue and that he would treat her nicely.  I smiled sweetly and left.

I awaited the hoover (knowing he’d want revenge)- and sure as hell I got his text , then I had my glorious moment –

I ignored him 😊

 

Stay Strong

Ariel

Am I A Narcissist?

Says one out of ever 5 people who I advise on recovery.

Unsurprisingly- we read about the traits: – narcissists blow hot and cold; put up a mask so their partner likes them; needy for attention; and explode angrily when pushed just that little too far over the edge; are jealous and insecure  … but are you justified in your behaviour or are you as bad as they are ?

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It’s actually not as simple as most people think.

The short answer is: NO.   Remember the traits of a true narcissistic personality disorder (not the ones about their love with the mirror; or their over the top showoffedness):

  • Narcissists are not considerate of another person’s feelings.  If after your angry outburst the narcissist showed any vulnerability or true sadness, you WOULD feel sorry for them. They don’t.
  • Narcissists do not, and cannot feel true intimacy.  If your feelings were genuine – you are not a narcissist.
  • Narcissists deliberately set out to hurt you.  Now, as much as you want to get one up on the a****** who screwed you over, you will not go out of your way to see them in financial and emotional ruin just because they made you feel bad that one time!
  • Narcissists deliberately set out to erode your self worth, so you feel awful about yourself and cling onto them tighter. You don’t have this agenda, you don’t need them to feel bad about themselves so they will love you more.  In fact, it could take years of sexual, financial and psychological ruin before you even THINK about attacking them – and that is definitely not the mark of a narcissist.

Any negative behaviour has likely been projected onto you – by them.  That said, take a step back and look at yourself.  Is this who you really want to be? Do you want to remain in a state of doubt and insecurity wasting your life plotting your next score?  That’s their style, not yours.

Stay strong

Angie

 

Fighting for Child Custody

Yesteday, I was running a workshop in London, and no surprises the subject came up – yet again.

How can you win child custody against the Narcissist?

You know you should keep stay composed but as always, they have the razor sharp ability to find your achilles heel – and this time – it is your child.

What makes this even more annoying is that they don’t even care about the child, they care only about their performance opportunity; another game they can win; and of course having control over you and your child for as long as they can be bothered with it.

It is very difficult to become emotionally devoid but you have to muster up all the strength you possible can to NOT REACT and stick to the facts.
Narcissists lie; they believe their own lies; then they accuse YOU … of THEIR lies!
This is when you have to hone into some hidden talents of your own – and become an oscar worthy actor AND a super scheming detective: you stay one step ahead and capture all their conversations in an airtight paper trail AKA court evidence, the only thing judges really want.
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Keep any evidence short and sharp; and make it ultra easy for the judge to follow.  Saving them ANY trouble you can.  Cross reference; type up a timeline; date stamp everything.  Then present it all in the most matter-of-fact way you can.
Don’t spend valuable consultation time educating your lawyer, make sure they have enough knowledge on Narcissistic Personality Disorder before you engage them.
Courts will know how much you care about the child based on
a) the amount of time you spend with them
(and the amount of time the narcissist DOESN’T); and
b) the percentage of your income you spend on the child (and the percentage of income the narcissist DOESN’T) – so if this goes in your favour, make it clear.
I hold workshops in Manchester and London, so if you are interested find my Meetup group under Surviving Narcissistic Abuse – UK.
Stay strong – you got this
Ariel

When nothing works and you can’t move on

Have you finally taken the plunge and decided enough is enough?? You will get your power back and show the narcissist you can live without them.

This time, you promise yourself things will be different.  You read everything you can about about the narcissistic personality disorder, and you know you have to do this.  And for a short while, you feel strong, committed.

But darkness falls, and abusive as it was – you miss the highlighted notification – telling you a new message awaits.

You need to know what’s going on, good bad or ugly, not in a few weeks, not tomorrow, you need to know NOW.

You try and distract yourself – but nothing else matters – you want your s***ty relationship back.

Here’s the thing about narcissistic relationships.  Like all relationships you are naturally attached to that certain someone, but this time it is worse, because the addiction is stronger.  It’s how abuse works.  The confusion, the craving, the addictive high; was MEANT to keep you hooked on them, at your own expense.

No-one said it would be easy, no-one said it would be fun.  But there is light in the end, that you can’t yet see.  And consider this :  the narcissist can discard you at any time, and when they do – you have no way back ANYWAY, unless it is on their terms.

It makes no difference to the outcome who walks away – the narcissist doesn’t care about you either way, except you will feel less rejected and hurt, if YOU choose to do it.

Dont make this more painful than it has to be.  Walk away.

It’s better to cry alone in safety; than at the hands of their brutal control.

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Win a Court Case against a Narcissist

Hi All,

I had so many clients tangled up with legal cases against narcissistic abusers, who claimed assets that they contributed NOTHING towards, and still screamed blue murder because the client refused to give up the TV!

The narcissist has the emotional capacity of a peanut.  Which is what makes him a pathologial liar. He often tries to show any signs of sympathy, sorrow, grief etc but this is all an act.  Your biggest problem here, is not his lack of emotions, but that fact that in comparison – you will come off, as being extremely emotional.

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Your emotions are natural, normal, justified, but if you cannot hold yourself together in a courtroom – he will try every trick in the book to make YOU look like the abnormal, twisted, deranged one.  Your answers need to be short, factual and straight to the point.

I have always maintained that victims must always find their own means of resolution, and their own path to recovery.  But this is the one time, when I would absolutely force-feed a client to use guided meditations to stay calm and composed.  This is also super useful if you have children with the narcissisist because you will be in a much better frame of mind when you have to deal with them.

Apart from the fact that you will appear to be more stable, you will also be able to think clearly and act fast when he plays out his manipulation in full glory.

Is he really a Narcissist?

Keep the faith, you can do this.

 

Ariel

Better Out than In

Dear All,

Happy Valentines Day

A day when normal people choose to celebrate the love in their lives; and also a favoured holiday for the Narcissist to throw a tantrum.

See, the Narcissist wants you to remember him long after he disappears; and by choosing a public holiday, you’ll always remember him at the same time every year; whilst he’s at it and you’re feeling your most emotional – he’ll aim to subject you to Continue reading “Better Out than In”

Narcissisist Time Frames

Hi there,

There is no crystal ball, and every single relationship is different BUT there are many patterns I’ve seen over the years:

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  • The first pitfalls begin to surface 2-3 months into the relationship – where you see the first signs.  You can sense he is less interested; you are confused because he insists you are special but it doesn’t always feel that way; finally – you dont care any more.
  • It takes around 18 months to completely get over the narcissist to a point where you can go an entire day without any reflection; flashback; or ‘fantasy argument or revenge plot’.
  • This is only going to work if you maintain NO CONTACT
  • The reason this takes so long is because an average relationship would take 3-6 months to mourn that loss, but this is not just a relationship breakdown, you are also overcoming complex ptsd; and the shock that the relationship in your mind never existed in the first place.

NO CONTACT is your friend.  And I know it feels tough right now, you want the shock to pass , and pass it will, but only on one condition – keep that person out.

If you want to know if he was a real narcissist in the truest form – check this out:

Is he a Real Narcissist

Stay Strong

 

Ariel