Beat the Narcissist this Year

Make it your absolute resolution if you haven’t already.

A relationship shouldn’t be a game, but he has already made it into one. You need to remain one step ahead and win.

You are probably in either of two situations right now: 1) The narcissist has already discarded you and is completely ignoring you, no matter how much you try and reason with him. Or 2) he has moved on with his life, has someone new, but still comes back to you with some sorry excuse of how you still mean something to him.  Either way, it’s terrible for you, and very convenient for him. Stop.

In the first situation, if you have been discarded / dumped, please take my advice and be patient.  Sit tight, because he WILL return.  Prepare for a long wait, because it could take months before he gets in touch.  If he left you, knowing you still harbour feelings for him, he will return.  In the meantime, you must not make contact with him. The decision to make contact must come from him.  When this happens, for the love of God and the high heavens above, please – ignore him.  This is when the power is tipped back in your favour.  Only when this happens, do you win the game and become the more powerful one.  Here is a secret – you responding, means a lot to him, and if you do, you become the weak abused doormat again, telling him “It’s OK to treat me how you did, I will always forgive you because you are worthy and valuable, and I am nothing”.  No.  Not any more.

In the second scenario, if he is still in touch with you, you must discard him (I know it’s hard and you miss him so much, but you must), before he does it to you again (which he will!).  It will come as a supershock to him, and the trick is not to make a big deal out of it. For example, if you come face to face with him, don’t make it obvious you are hurt – just be polite, tell him, you’re busy and that you will call him really soon, then don’t!  He may try harder to reel you in or get angry.  Look at him like he has 3 heads, smile sympathetically, and walk away. Then, most importantly – STAY AWAY.

So, what is the purpose of this exercise?  The narcissist is a very calculated game player and he knows how to keep you hooked.  The above shows you are choosing to get off his ridiculous rollercoaster, unhooking yourself and choosing self-esteem and dignity instead.

During the period of distance (this will only work if you stop contact), memories will flood back of how he mistreated you, and eventually you will reach a point where you will realise he has been playing the game the entire time you knew him, and you will no longer want to be associated with him. 

You will feel better with each passing day.  He, on the other hand will feel worse.  This is excruciating and shocking for him. It doesn’t matter, as long as you are healing.  Don’t worry about this person who has never cared about you.

Once the healing is in full swing, look to open your heart to finding a new person who is right for you.  Forget your ex’s physical attributes: muscular physique, dazzling smile or gorgeous eyes, think about his lack of inner characteristics e.g. monogamy, emotional availability, commitment, and integrity, and appreciate those qualities in people instead.

Do you really need a man to make you happy?

No, you don’t but it is perfectly natural to want a suitable partner to share your life with.  As great as it is being cool, independant, self-sufficient, there is a part of you that yearns for a committed relationship, this is why you became involved with the narcissist in the first place. Nurture and acknowledge that part of you.  You don’t need a relationship to make you happy, but once you find your way and are truly happy being on your own, the right person will complete you, and you will never look back.

Basically, either you or the narcissist has to lose.  Make sure it isn’t you.

Best Wishes for 2013.

Ariel

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Beat the Narcissist this Year

  1. Pingback: Emotional Abuse and how to escape | Tell About Abuse

  2. Thanks so much for your blog, it’s so relatable. The information rings true to my past relationship and was helpful in normalising some of my experiences and feelings.

  3. Need advice. I need to return a heavy dog crate to my ex narcissist who i broke it off with 7 days ago. If I do not need anything back from my ex and this is the only thing he needs is it okay to leave the crate with a mutual friend and detach with a short nice note (he sent me one)?

    • Hey there,

      Yes it sure is. Leave the note very clinical eg ‘It’s for the best, please don’t contact me. Take care’
      Whatever he texts back, don’t reply. If you have to have any contact in future keep at least 2 months clear. This is VERY important for your mental health.

      Stay strong
      Ariel

  4. Dealing with being dumped by a narcissistic husband. He’s at the ignoring me phase. Actually abandoned. I must say it feels like your soul is on fire. I felt useless, worthless, unloved, I did something bad/ wrong. It began when I explained that I have needs as well and why does he avoid discussing the problems it is causing. (As usual) After a while I realized I shouldn’t have been surprised when he abandoned the children and I. The emotional, financial abuse was always there. For the past few days I feel like I am coming out of a smoky haze or something. Things are coming back every day. I also find myself questioning am I guilty of being a narcissist? Am I the problem? Nonetheless, it will take time and years to get over the crazy making games they make. Thanks for your article.

    • Thank you Amber , for reposting this and helping me to fight abuse with love and positivity!

      It’s so beautiful on the other side, I can’t wait for you all to get here.

      Life is so much fun and my shaky past is a faraway distant memory! I had so many plans of the sort of person I wanted to be FOR him, but I surpassed them all when I decided to do them for myself.

      I have dated a few men over the last 2 years but I’ve raised the bar a little and know what I want and don’t want to settle just for the sake of having someone, so please don’t be disheartened by my lack of progress and know you can have all your dreams of love, you really can.

      Stay strong

      Always here for you, Ariel…

  5. Alright, so this is my experience; I am female and have been with a female N for 9 weeks. Sounds like a short deal of time and easy to heal, but, when I look at the real damage done, it will take some time to recover. I used to be very confident, however, my N met me in a really bad life circumstance after a divorce, where I had low finances, little energy, threat to lose my job, so, a whole lot of a burden, which I managed successfully.

    As I was not very proud of myself about all that the N found an easy prey. I started to figure out I was trapped in game when it was too late to leave it as a winner. The first cycle I didn’t take serious as I wasn’t that involved by then. With the second cycle and three day of NC the N hit a very vulnerable spot. I still put up resistance against criticism which led to the last cycle of validation, devaluation, dump, all explained with past relationsships that damaged the trust, and some wicked games that manipulated me to violate the N’s rules. Within that short time I found myself confronted with a mix of physical and emotional abuse, mind games and a failed attempt to gaslight me. When I won the upperhand I was compared to the N#s ex who was ” a psycho bitch” like all the others, who nearly crushed her fragile ego. There was hardly any time to realise what exactly was going on as I had no clue about Ns in general and never experienced fully-fledged NPD in relationships. However, at the start I was resistant to games and tricks, but when I went through a tough time of resolving my living circumstances, the N completely took over. I was threatened verbally, yelled at, and as due to the N’s physique physical aggression was not anything I felt like putting up with, at a certain point I capitulated to take the baits and the blame. She once turned up at my house before our appointment in that time. I was also told about fantasies to sexually hurt me, which I fortunately could prevent. In N fashion I was told that it was all my fault, the threat of physical violence was imminent and finally, at a public event, I was purposefully dropped on the head while dancing. After the event I was dumped and the N, after hoovering via app for three days about her dog, went to Silent Treatment and demanded no contact. Having suffered three weeks of whiplash, around easter the N hoovered with an easter message. Still having had no clue about the N’s pathology, I replied, we had a short app conversation. Since then the N went to silent treatment. I went to no contact. I know now, after reading tons of books and websites, what was going on, and I know for the N ther will not be any chance for a real closure. Damn, I am really having a tough time about it. Day by day fragments of traumatising events circle my brain. Once I let go off all the toxic juices I feel great and the other day it just keeps coming back. I contacted the N’s ex that I found on the internet. Still waiting for her to reply. I asked for consultance. I know by the N that she told him a great deal to go to therapy which she refused. This ex seems to have left the N and I know that the N was down for half a year. I hope that if I could talk to her it might help me to get over what was happening to me…..I was compared to that ex everytime I resisted the baits, games and tricks, so the N got me with pity and comparison to give up the only way that worked to stop her which was tell her right in the face where my boundaries were.

    So, now I am am boiling in the soup of waiting for the ex’s reply…..I blocked all the N’s numbers, his social media but I still check if her car turns up at my house everytime I come home. Since I contacted the ex two days ago I feel sort of unease as I don’t know about the consequences. However, I feel like a conversation with the person I was so often compared with could help me see through the residual fog the N left in my life that I can’t deal with yet….

    I am happy for any feedback from you wonderful folks out there…..let our future be NARC-free and our spirirts heal over soon….

    Yours,

    a 38-old who was taught that love doesn’t work in all circumstances ;)

  6. I Recently found a comment on a website hosted by M.T. Evans that stated one’s peptide-levels go up when being in an N-abuse-relationhip, so I concluded one gets physically and psychologically addicted to the mix of idealisation, devaluation, discard and hoover due to one’s own physical chemistry, which is experienced as the toxic bond. I also read on a different website that the withdrawal from an N is way more challenging than quitting alcoholism. And yes, my mind was completely all over the N for weeks and months. Thanks I never was into alcohol but I can now imagine how that would be. It also explains why we are so easily sucked in by the hoover maneuvers.

    Thinking over this piece of information helped me a lot to understand why the agonising grieving, missing and mourning cycle took so extremely and unnaturally long: My mind was completely occupied with the N, the next possible hoover, the trauma of the abuse, flashbacks, demeaning words, gestures, rage, pity, emotional pain….etc…… – I realised I must have been stuck on high levels of peptide, which sort of explained my excessive thinking about the N who dumped me – of course – without closure.

    So, I started to work out, do new things such as going out alone on a party (thrill), talking walks alone (independence), meeting old friends (approval), etc…….. to substitute my peptide supply from the N. After managing to lower the stress about the N that way, in the last week I went through several days of Holiday Blues…It finally dawned on me I had been severely physically and psychologically addicted to the horrible ways of the Narc-abuse due to my own physical chemistry. So, I also realised that was the reason why I even sort of subsconsciously tried to stay in that vicious cycle to avoid peptide levels to go down. I was addicted. Full stop.

    I am ADD as well, so I am not surprised about the intensity of my reactions. I personally hypothesise that people with ADD might have even higher response to N-treatment; I remember myself being very calm and focused and oddly physically relaxed in some phases of the relationship with the N, in some sort of way as well in several of the abusive situations – also after being dumped, spending weeks of hyperfocusing on finding out all about the NPD issue. Calm I wasn’t at all when peptide-levels sank back to normal….

    Next thought was the fact that ADD if treated is medicated with stimulant medications including amphetamines…..this all makes sense to me about why I was so tolerant to the NÄS ways as it sort of fixed another problem at the same time…So, beside of doing intensive work on establishing a healthier bond to my past wounds and trauma I really thought about seeing an ADD expert, and, if need be, having my ADD treated with medication.

    As mentioned in my last post I was waiting for the reply of the the N’s ex who I contacted via email to find closure. She never replied. However, the fact that I sent her an email finally gave me sort of a closure (I hope I didn’t stir up too many negative emotions in her…I really adore her for having put the N straight). Also the fact that I know I was physically addicted and could overcome this is a real closure to me. I don’t need another hit from the Ns toxic juices.

    I try to react with indifference to any thought about the N that comes up my mind, although this is very difficult when it comes to pity…..(picturing my N in a couple of years in a care facility, having lost the last of friends really stirs pity which again energetically feeds the N narcissistic supply). This is challenging but it works a great deal. Sometimes I catch myself being in a raging or pitying thought that sneaks in, however, I fill that thought with indifference and enjoy the relief. I tell myself again and again that I am not responsible for the N. Having gotten the peptide-levels down finally gave me the strength to be able to stick to absolute NC.

    When flashbacks of traumatic situations occur, I am now able to picture myself being (emotionally) alone in the situation with the N – who I accept to be an emotional vampire who sucked on my energies – with indifference and take the love and true emotion I invested right back at the same time, so I go through the memory of abuse by imaginarily sort of re-sucking my energy from that past event, taking back what I invested. I experience this as extremely empowering technique – it helps me to get over the abuse and accept myself as the one who was loving and caring in the moment the N took over. I thus do not feel like a victim anymore. At the same time I imagine the negative energy imposed on me is all sent back to the N’s house and doorstep by the universe. Since I do this I feel like the energetic game tipped into my favour. I know everytime I do this the N loses supply to dwell on…and it feels really good to be me again, thus cutting the cords……

    I hope this helps one or the other.

    All the best to you out there

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