Make it your absolute resolution if you haven’t already.
A relationship shouldn’t be a game, but he has already made it into one. You need to remain one step ahead and win.
You are probably in either of two situations right now: 1) The narcissist has already discarded you and is completely ignoring you, no matter how much you try and reason with him. Or 2) he has moved on with his life, has someone new, but still comes back to you with some sorry excuse of how you still mean something to him. Either way, it’s terrible for you, and very convenient for him. Stop.
In the first situation, if you have been discarded / dumped, please take my advice and be patient. Sit tight, because he WILL return. Prepare for a long wait, because it could take months before he gets in touch. If he left you, knowing you still harbour feelings for him, he will return. In the meantime, you must not make contact with him. The decision to make contact must come from him. When this happens, for the love of God and the high heavens above, please – ignore him. This is when the power is tipped back in your favour. Only when this happens, do you win the game and become the more powerful one. Here is a secret – you responding, means a lot to him, and if you do, you become the weak abused doormat again, telling him “It’s OK to treat me how you did, I will always forgive you because you are worthy and valuable, and I am nothing”. No. Not any more.
In the second scenario, if he is still in touch with you, you must discard him (I know it’s hard and you miss him so much, but you must), before he does it to you again (which he will!). It will come as a supershock to him, and the trick is not to make a big deal out of it. For example, if you come face to face with him, don’t make it obvious you are hurt – just be polite, tell him, you’re busy and that you will call him really soon, then don’t! He may try harder to reel you in or get angry. Look at him like he has 3 heads, smile sympathetically, and walk away. Then, most importantly – STAY AWAY.
So, what is the purpose of this exercise? The narcissist is a very calculated game player and he knows how to keep you hooked. The above shows you are choosing to get off his ridiculous rollercoaster, unhooking yourself and choosing self-esteem and dignity instead.
During the period of distance (this will only work if you stop contact), memories will flood back of how he mistreated you, and eventually you will reach a point where you will realise he has been playing the game the entire time you knew him, and you will no longer want to be associated with him.
You will feel better with each passing day. He, on the other hand will feel worse. This is excruciating and shocking for him. It doesn’t matter, as long as you are healing. Don’t worry about this person who has never cared about you.
Once the healing is in full swing, look to open your heart to finding a new person who is right for you. Forget your ex’s physical attributes: muscular physique, dazzling smile or gorgeous eyes, think about his lack of inner characteristics e.g. monogamy, emotional availability, commitment, and integrity, and appreciate those qualities in people instead.
Do you really need a man to make you happy?
No, you don’t but it is perfectly natural to want a suitable partner to share your life with. As great as it is being cool, independant, self-sufficient, there is a part of you that yearns for a committed relationship, this is why you became involved with the narcissist in the first place. Nurture and acknowledge that part of you. You don’t need a relationship to make you happy, but once you find your way and are truly happy being on your own, the right person will complete you, and you will never look back.
Basically, either you or the narcissist has to lose. Make sure it isn’t you.
Best Wishes for 2013.