This was a question I receive during a workshop I did last year. And a very good one too.
Here’s how it works. The narcissist is incredibly calculated and any emotions HE exhibits are to manipulate you into feeling a certain way, or taking certain action. When he tells you he is upset or disappointed or hurt or whatever other bollocks he comes up, it’s usually a controlling tactic to get you do what you are told (i.e. don’t ask too many questions, don’t criticise, don’t stop revolving your life around him).
So… when the narcissist sees you being upset he will be super upset for one of the following reasons:
He suspects you are now trying to manipulate HIM into changing (because he doesn’t understand people have genuine feelings of attachment and express their pain honestly)
He finds it inconvenient and doesn’t want to be forced to listen to your whining against his will.
The above should not surprise you when you understand Narcissists will often project their feelings onto their partners blaming them for everything they are; and the fact that they honestly don’t care how you feel.
You were only meant to provide them with a feel good status when it suited them, they never signed up (mentally) to being their for you; understanding you; and they definitely had no intention of compromising with you.
Here’s a question that I get asked a lot. The fact that you even have to ask this question is where the biggest clue lies.
Narcissism falls over a wide spectrum ranging from a ‘normal’ healthy person who is simply immature and has selfish tendencies, they may NOT be a true narcissist with a serious personality disorder. BUT if they are behaving in a selfish manner, even though they may care about you – it is not appropriate to be in a relationship that is ONE-SIDED. That said, he may have cared about you, but not enough. If the roles were reversed, and you were caring enough to be courteous, gentle, and understanding – you must demand the same standard back to yourself.
On the other end of the spectrum is a person who is a REAL, DSM IV Cluster B individual with a diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. This person will NEVER care about and all signs of caretaking were completely fabricated. Deep down only you will know the difference, but remember – whether he cared about you or not, if you are being mistreated in your relationship, and you are accepting this behaviour, there is only one way this is going to go.
I hope you’re all doing OK. Maybe you’re feeling better today, or maybe you’re still down about the discard. If so…. hey, c’mon, wipe those tears, and here’s a big air hug over to you right now.
I know it’s hard, I know you wish things were back to how they were when you started out, and how you wish the whole damn thing was real!
I know it hurts, I promise I do, but here’s a secret: What if I told you you can turn this whole situation around, so that YOU no longer need the Narcissist’s attention, and the narcissist will be pining for YOU to contact them, whilst you move on with your fabulous life?? Still with me? Read on lovely…..
As humans, we have 6 basic needs (Anthony Robbins) :
Certainty
Uncertainty
Love / Connection
Growth
Significance
Contribution
You know why you’re addicted to the narcissist? They provided all these things, whilst cleverly cutting off any other means of receiving them from elsewhere. See, the narcissist keeps all their options open to stop their dependency on any one supply but won’t want you to do the same. If your needs are met elsewhere you are less attached to the narcissist. Fact.
If you don’t know what to do with your life next, seek out a vocation that will fulfil the above. If you have any ONE kind of security, either financial, family or friends you have met the first one.
Uncertainty comes from excitement and adventure, so put yourself in ‘ scary ‘ situations that slightly overwhelm you. You will feel amazing once you’ve done it. Anything…. singing, writing a book, selling your paintings, making a youtube video. Something that makes you follow your heart.
Love doesn’t have to come from a partner (I know it’s not the same) but by satisfying this feeling of being loved, cared for, and connected with other people, you’re no longer going to cling to a partner, especially one who doesn’t want you 😦
To grow, you need to get out of the house , speak to people and do things which make you learn something new.
To feel significant, you can either get this feeling from your family, children, students, or by accomplishing something amazing that you get recognised for. Is there something you can do, that you know you could do better than anyone else you know? Then do it!!!
Finally, you need to contribute to someone or something outside of yourself. I recommend you do this after taking care of the other areas because you don’t have a problem giving, just you need to give, to appropriate and deserving channels.
Please at least just think about this. Take a few minutes and write your thoughts. If you take a step in this direction…. that painful aching that tears you up inside, will finally begin to disappear.
Your grass will be greener if you nurture your own ground 🙂 You won’t believe me now but there is an incredible, unique person inside you, fighting to be set free. Your time has come. I know this because you were meant to read this post for a reason.
I hope to inspire you to form healthy boundaries in your relationships, to prevent further exploitations in love, to increase your capacity to trust again, and to leave the narcissist where he belongs ….. in your past.
I am not a psychologist, nor a therapist. My opinions are based solely on my research, observations and personal experiences. I understand, I’ve been there. I have moved on from that traumatic place, and wish to inspire you to do the same.
Please look out for my future posts on: the narcissistic perspective; the healing process; and the true spirit of no contact. My primary goal however is to shift the focus back to the person who deserves it – you. I also believe we can do this without ‘men-bashing’.
You will reach a milestone when you realise he really WASN’T that special!
Thank you for visiting my blog. I am determined to enjoy my life and I hope you will join me on this empowering journey.
Before you go, please leave some feedback or questions. I have had many visitors but I can’t tell if they are gaining anything from reading my material. It would mean a lot.
Silver Boundary 
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